Macchus’s Ode to Samnio’s Bottom

This is a Roman Comedy I wrote for Theatre History class.

Macchus’s Ode to Samnio’s Bottom

CAST OF CHARACTERS

MACCHUS. A young man with an oversized nose and a nice round pot-belly. He is the very definition of a fool and is Bucco’s son. He does not have a job and generally lazes about. He lives with Bucco and Pappus.

            BUCCO. A middle-aged man. Father to Macchus and son to Pappus. He is a Roman Censor in charge of controlling morals and conducts of his region.

            MANDUCUS. An old man. He is a local Lyre merchant but is incredibly greedy and has a rampant appetite for thievery. Bucco has been trying to catch him for days.

            SAMNIO. A young woman, also with an oversized nose. She has an oversized butt. She is also the very definition of a fool and the love interest of Macchus. She works for Manducus at his market booth.

            PAPPUS.  A doddery old man. He is father to Bucco and grandfather to Macchus. He used to be a senator but is too old to work, now. He lives with Bucco and Macchus. His house chores are to boss around the slaves and, of course, decide who in his family gets to live or die.

ACT I

It is early morning. Macchus enters the stage playing an out-of-tune lyre. He is blissfully unaware that he is playing the worst rendition of an unknown song ever heard. He is dancing feverishly throughout the mock rural Roman forum. The forum has a marketplace to the left and Bucco’s house is to the right.  Bucco angrily enters the forum from his house. With fists pumping the air he inhales deeply as if to start in on the boy with a furious tirade. Macchus with his back turned to Bucco’s house does not notice him furiously approaching. Macchus in his dancing and playing the Lyre backs into Bucco hap-hazardly and farts loudly. Bucco lands on his butt with a hard loud thud and begins to cough as if he is choking. Macchus stops playing the Lyre and spins around in shock.

MACCHUS.  Father?

BUCCO. (still coughing)

MACCHUS.  What is the meaning of this?

BUCCO. (coughing and choking)

MACCHUS.  How dare you ruin my performance.

BUCCO.  I ruined your….?

MACCHUS.  Uh-huh, and now I must start over lest it be a crime.

BUCCO.  (muttering to himself) Oye, my ears will never survive it!

MACCHUS.  What was that?

BUCCO.  Nothing son. Do you think you could serenade the fish down by the river?

MACCHUS.  I suppose so. (lifting the lyre as if to start to play)

BUCCO. (as he is getting up off the ground, he reflexively and quite possibly on purpose swings his fist through the Lyre and cuts his hand. Bits of Lyre fall over the stage. Bucco grasps his bleeding hand.)

MACCHUS.  Awe, dad, that’s the 5^th one this week. How is Samnio to hear my sweet ode to her beautiful bottom if you keep swinging your arms around all day long.

BUCCO.  Oh. I’m sorry my boy, guess we’ll have to go by Manducus’s shop later and buy you a new one.

Both men exit stage into Bucco’s house.

ACT II

Samnio enters the forum from Manducus’s shop. Broom in hand; she is not sweeping the floor but looks to be sweeping the air. Manducus enters as if from the other side of town, holding something under his tunic/toga. It is obvious this item is a stolen and precious item.

MANDUCUS. Silly girl, I asked you to count the Lyre strings.

SAMNIO. Oh I did.

MANDUCUS. Did you now?

SAMNIO. Yes, and there is a whole bunch.

MANDUCUS. (Shakes his head in confusion.) You didn’t actually count them, did you?

SAMNIO. Yes I did, I told you, there’s a whole bunch.

MANDUCUS. Uh, huh. And so what are you doing now?

SAMNIO.  I’m cleaning the sky to impress Apollo.

MANDUCUS. Uh, whu?

SAMNIO. I wanted to make it more beautiful for him so that he may grace me with the glorious sound I heard earlier.

Manducus shifts his weight and the precious stolen item makes a loud sound but remains visibly hidden. He exits quickly into his shop juggling the item within his Toga the whole way. Bucco pokes his head out of his house.

BUCCO. What was that?

SAMNIO. What was what?

BUCCO. That noise I just heard.

SAMNIO. Ooh my sweeping must be working.

BUCCO. (Begins to walk out into the forum as if to have conversation with her) I’m not even gonna ask. I swear girl, you are on the same level as my son Macchus sometimes. Speaking of which, we’re in need of a new Lyre for him, so we’ll be by after lunch.

SAMNIO. (continues sweeping the sky, motioning as though she would like to continue her task alone.) Whatever.

Bucco exits back into his house. Samnio continues sweeping walking off stage into the direction of the other side of town.

ACT III

Pappus exits Bucco’s house, surveying the exterior of the house. He muttles about investigating this and that, taking notes as he goes. Bucco and Macchus exit the house swiftly. None of them notice each other, Bucco and Macchus bump into Pappus. There is a moment of slapstick here as Pappus almost falls to the ground but Bucco and Macchus try to help him back up. Pappus never quite falls to the ground. Eventually, they get him back upright. Pappus stands very tall and full of pride as if he meant to do that.

PAPPUS. You damn kids. You could watch where you’re going, you know? I should have you flogged.

BUCCO. Yes, yes, dad, I know. Sorry about that.

MACCHUS. Oh grandpa, everyone knows frogs aren’t in season.

Pappus and Bucco look at each other as if Macchus is the stupidest creature in existence.

BUCCO. At any rate, we’re just on our way over to Manducus’s to get a new Lyre.

MACCHUS. And I get to see Samnio’s bottom. (He stares dreamily off into space.)

PAPPUS. A new Lyre? That’s the 5^th one this week. I have half a mind to cut you both off.

BUCCO. Now, dad, you know you haven’t had a paycheck in years. You’re senate days are over.

PAPPUS.  Oh yeah? And who got you that fancy job you have? And who hired all these slaves? And who built this house? (Raises an arm as if to backhand Bucco in the head.)

BUCCO. Yes, dad, I know. I’m sorry. We’ll be on our way. You do a fabulous job counting the statues and investigating who keeps stealing them.

MACCHUS. I wanna inspect a statue of Samnio’s bottom.

Bucco grabs Macchus by the ear and they trail off stage into Manducus’s shop. Pappus jots down a couple more things before retreating back into Bucco’s house.

ACT IV

Manducus is sitting off to the side of the forum in front of his shop. He is sanding an almost finished Lyre. Samnio is sitting off to the other side of the shop. She is covered in a small heap of Lyre parts: string, wooden blocks, tuning knobs, etc. She is doing lots of things to them but none of her actions are quite distinguishable. Bucco enters hastily from his house and heads straight for Manducus. Macchus also exits Bucco’s house into the forum but stops abruptly as he is awestruck by Samnio.

BUCCO. Well, hello there, fine friend.

MANDUCUS. Bucco, old pal! I hadn’t seen you in at least a day, I thought maybe this last one you bought was holding up better than the others.

BUCCO. Not so much with my boy around. (he glances towards Samnio.) But of course, you know how it is.

MANDUCUS. Yes, yes I do. I wish I didn’t, but I sure do.

Samnio makes a frustrated noise followed by blowing air through her lips. Macchus charges over to see what is the matter.

MACCHUS. Here, let me help you.

SAMNIO. Yes, yes. (She starts handing him random things from the pile)

MACCHUS. No, no, I wish to help you stand up.

Samnio extends a hand and a minor bit of slapstick ensues as Lyre parts tumble out of the way and Macchus keeps trying to spin her around so he can see her butt.)

SAMNIO. (finally upright) Oh my! That’s tougher than it looks.

MACCHUS. (nonchalantly circling her) So, uh, Samnio, Got any statues?

Bucco and Manducus simultaneously look over at the boy like he is a fool.

SAMNIO. (laughing hysterically at what he just said) No silly, we only sell Lyres, here.

MACCUS.  Are you sure? Cause your butt is the finest statue I’ve ever seen.

MANDUCUS. Whoa! Ok! (crosses the room and pulls Samnio away from Macchus.)

BUCCO. (crosses the room and grabs Macchus away from Samnio.) Sorry, about that ol’ pal, we’ll be going, I don’t know what came over him. (starts dragging Macchus towards his house.)Alright, you got my order for the Lyre, right?

MANDUCUS. Sure do, I’ll bring it by later.

BUCCO. Awesome, see ya then. Say goodbye, Macchus.

MACCHUS. Samnio, I love you as much as Dionysus loves wine!

Bucco and Macchus make a complete exit into Bucco’s house. Manducus goes back to working on the Lyre and Samnio grumpily starts throwing Lyre parts into the shop. She is weeping in the most ludicrous way possible and Manducus just rolls his eyes at her. Once the pile is completely back in the shop she looks at Manducus, stomps her foot, and sticks her tongue out at him. He rises and she skuttles into the shop. He grabs the Lyre and chases after her.

ACT V

Manducus enters the forum from his shop carrying the Lyre. He notices no one is there yet. He walks over to the front of Bucco’s house and starts inspecting the statues.

MANDUCUS. (muttering to himself) My, my, how funny it is.

Manducus runs his hand along one of the smaller statues. He sets the Lyre down and picks up the statue. He fumbles it around in his hands. We can hear Bucco just behind his door muttering something indistinguishable. Manducus places the statue in his togo/tunic pocket as quickly as he can.

MANDACUS. Aye, Bucco, is that you?

Bucco enters the forum from his house

BUCCO. Aye, it is. Brought the lyre, have you?

MANDACUS. Yes, yes I have.

Bucco reaches down for the lyre, on the ground. In doing so he notices a statue is gone.

BUCCO. For the love of Apollo! Why do our statues keep disappearing? They’re fine greek ones too; not easy to find! When I find out who’s doing it, I’ll be sure to send them to the circus, too!

MANDUCUS. Hmm, that’s strange they keep disappearing like that. I thought you said Pappus was looking into it.

BUCCO. He is, in fact he’s started stamping the bottoms so we can tell they belong to us when they are sold.

BUCCO. (calls towards the house) Pappus! Come out here, quick!

(Macchus exits the house into the forum.)

MACCHUS. Is my Lyre ready yet?

BUCCO. Yes, son, it’s just over there.

(Pappus enters from the house.)

PAPPUS. What is it?

(Bucco points at the spot where the statue should be.)

PAPPUS. What?! I don’t believe this! To the circus with this scourge!

(Macchus picks up the lyre and starts playing his masterpiece: The worst sound anyone can stand.)

BUCCO, PAPPUS, and MANDUCUS. Ah!! (They simultaneously cover their ears.)

Samnio enters from the shop. Broom in hand sweeping the air.

SAMNIO. It has worked! It has worked! Apollo has graced me with the sweetest serenade again!

MACCHUS. (He struts over to her still playing his horrible tune. He is dancing and prancing around as if he is a boastful lion out to win his prize.)

BUCCO, PAPPUS, and MANDUCUS. Make it stop!

SAMNIO. No, let it play forever! Please, tell me, Macchus. Was it you who wrote such a sweet sweet sound?

MACCHUS. Aye, my love! Let us wed so I may kiss your bottom every night and make love to you every morning.

BUCCO, PAPPUS, and MANDUCUS. No!

SAMNIO. Yes, yes, yes!

Bucco, Pappus, and Manducus all start to jog over to them to interrupt their exchange, however the statue falls from Manducus’s toga and breaks into 2 pieces. The lyre music stops. Bucco and Pappus hear the statue fall. They spin around to look at Manducus. Manducus stops stiff as a board and stares at them guiltily. Pappus runs full force at Manducus and drops him to the ground. Bucco runs over, grabs a piece of rope from his yard and ties Manducus’s hands together. He drags him off stage towards the other side of town.

PAPPUS. Yep, to the circus with him.

Pappus exits in the same direction as Bucco. Samnio and Macchus have watched the entire thing in full embrace. That is Macchus is holding his face against Samnio’s butt and she has placed a loving hand upon his back.

SAMNIO. Please my love, never stop playing that beautiful song.

MACCHUS. Yes, my love. (he picks the lyre back up and begins to play again.)

SAMNIO. By the way, what is the name of this heavenly tune that Apollo has placed upon your fingers.

MACCHUS. Ode to Samnio’s Bottom.

SAMNIO. (Giggling) Oh, it’s just perfect.

They exit into Bucco’s house: Samnio dancing and Macchus playing the lyre the whole way.

THE END